At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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