I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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