Kareoke will never be a sober sport
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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