my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You are a genius and a whore.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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