I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
