He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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