You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
