and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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