sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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