and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
