Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
