I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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