I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
