Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
