remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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