Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
