my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
