well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
