don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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