theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
