I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
