I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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