I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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