Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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