My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
