forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
