Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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