im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
