we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
