In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
