Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
