I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
