Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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