you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
