We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
