just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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