she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
