By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
