I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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