I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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