this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
