had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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