Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
