So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
