he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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