Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
