I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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