the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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