I am in a vortex of obligation.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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