Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
