you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
